Comedy break: August 24, 2023

Last week, I got pulled over. It had been so long since the previous time, I did a few things *wrong.*

You may be wondering, Is there a WRONG way to be pulled over? Yes, yes there is.

So, let me set the scene for you. It was Thursday night & and I had just finished my Pottery Class. All week, all August actually, I’ve been alternately angry or deeply sad about the stuff unfolding with my parents and sisters. So, getting myself to Pottery Thursday was difficult. I wanted to turtle into myself like every other night and just REST. I wanted to watch Netflix and zone out, maybe take a bath and listen to sound healing music. The usual.

But instead, I texted my Pottery teacher, Ryan, who I adore, and told him – I will be there tonight! That was my way of forcing myself to go.

So, I get to Pottery and Ryan and I hug. He has recently been through similar family issues, and his Dad actually passed about 3 weeks ago. That hug said a lot on Thursday. I told him casually, “Hi, love you.” And everyone around us laughed. The Pottery studio community knows what Ryan is going through, and some know what I’ve been through with my family stuff too. The community there is supportive and kind.

We hug, and then he asks how I am, and he returns to working while we chat across the room, keeping it light. Other students are on the Wheels around us, and tropical music is playing for some reason – who knows who is controlling the Speaker tonight. Leigh Ann, my sweet friend who is in her 50s ish & brings her niece with her (a girl in her late teens or early 20s who rocks blue hair!)…starts chatting with me, and I begin to relax.

I spend the evening glazing, avoiding the Wheel because I know I’m too sad and internally wobbly. I need more stability and energy for the Wheel.

I tell Ryan I’ll come in to the studio this weekend. We discuss and make jokes. It’s a great class. At the end, he does a demo of how to make texture on a vase on the Wheel. We all Oooh and Ahh and the reactions are authentic – he’s so skilled!

I leave early because the Sad is draining me and pretending to be somewhat Okay to these people is getting harder. Leigh Ann’s boyfriend died May 3rd – did I say that? So, in this studio on Thursday you have Ryan with his Dad being gone, Leigh Ann’s soulmate boyfriend of many years just transitioned, and my family is Very Sick and Mistreating Me. Fuck.

Leigh Ann and I both need more than the other can give, and the small talk is draining me. Neither she nor I are going to get into our Emotions right here, right? I think. So we glaze our pieces and gloss over the Pain, but we note it. We aren’t hiding it either. She is honest and real, and her words help me. I hope mine help her too. And still, we are both into our work and let ourselves get lost in it. That’s part of the point, I think.

I leave at 8pm ish instead of 9 when the class ends. I decide: I need to eat. Being hungry for me is a good thing right now. When I get Very Sad, my tummy shuts down. I lose my appetite altogether. Anxiety does it too, and these last 4 weeks have been pure Sad & Anxiety. And Anger. But the Anger feels more energizing. The Sad and the Anxiety feel scarier for me. I don’t want to disappear, and Food becomes hard to eat. It’s that simple. So, eating becomes Priority.

I leave class to go get food at Kroger. Internally, I tell myself “Good Job, Em! You gotta eat.” I call Kara, my girl, as I leave Kroger. I turn up the volume in my car so I can hear her on the phone. I begin crying as we talk. And right then, I see a cop at the gas station to the right of me. He has his lights on and is making someone get out of their vehicle. I think, Woah! I wonder what’s going on!

“Dang!” I say to Kara.

“What?” She asks.

The light turns green and I keep driving, taking my focus off the gas station. The guy in front of me is going slow, so I signal to get into the right lane, to go around him. All of a sudden, he pulls in front of me into the right lane, while I’m starting to get over. I panic and swerve back into my lane. Then, I see a cop turn his lights on behind me. I’m being pulled over.

“FUCK!” I say to Kara.

“What??” She asks, scared.

“I’m getting pulled over, I gotta go,” I say, anger coming through my voice. This is the last thing I need tonight, I think. I’m so Sad and Anxious and Hungry and Tired.

“Okay! Good luck, baby!” She says, and hangs up. I take a moment to receive her Love. And I am panning the road for where I can pull over, and signaling again to get over to my right. At that exact moment, Doja Cat starts BLARING through my speakers. I turned the phone call all the way up & now Doja Cat is screaming, “I don’t care, I paint the town RED!!”

At the same time, the cop behind me is now ON HIS MEGAPHONE saying something! Lights, Sirens, AND A MEGAPHONE BLARING words that sound like the Teacher in Charlie Brown, “Bechek, Tee Bee, Tweettee!” I have no clue what he’s saying. Doja Cat is too loud. I shut her off, and I’m trying to get over to my right but a car is passing me.

I’m thinking, IDK WHAT IS GOING ON BUT IT MUST BE SERIOUS BC THIS GUY ON HIS MEGAPHONE, DEAR GOD! So, once I finally get over and put my car in Park, I jump out with my hands up! IDK WHAT IS HAPPENING BUT HE IS NOT MESSING AROUND, I BETTER GET OUT,  I think, panicked.

I put my hands up and face him. He now starts yelling through the Megaphone (which I can now hear clearly), GET BACK IN THE VEHICLE, MAAM WHY ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR VEHICLE!!!

Guys, I don’t do well when people Yell at me. Like truly. My nervous system FREAKS out. So, I jumped back in the vehicle, SCARED OUT OF MY MIND. But here’s the thing, when I stepped out with my hands up, I saw the cop is a young black man. And I registered FEAR on his face the moment I stepped out. So his yelling/scolding of GET BACK IN THE CAR was tinged with his fear. Is this white woman going to shoot me?? I imagine he’s thinking.

And I realize, I need to stay 100% calm now. And I do…on the outside.

He is back on the megaphone now yelling, PULL INTO THE PARKING LOT. And I’m internally PANICKED even though I’m 100% sober and there isn’t anything illegal in my car. BUT WHEN HAVE YOU HEARD OF A COP USING THEIR MEGAPHONE???

I was panicked. And guys, it gets worse (in a funny way).

He comes up to my vehicle and goes, “Hi.” He sees I’m a small white woman and visibly relaxes. “Why did you get out of the car??” He asks, and he sounds angry.

“I didn’t know,” I said, “I haven’t been pulled over in FOREVER and you were on the megaphone!” I say. This dude is like 25-years-old & gives me a sheepish grin,

“I know, I know, okay. Yes!” He admits. In that moment, I can feel us both acknowledging how WEIRD the megaphone was. We’re both like, WELL here we are.

“Where are you coming from?” He asks.

“Well, I just had Pottery!” I say, happily, pointing at the salsa and queso bowls in my passenger seat. Young Cop looks into my vehicle, confused, and nods. “And then I got groceries!” I add, pointing at the Kroger bags on the floor. He looks at them and nods, a small smile forming. “And now I’m going home to make dinner!” He nods again, looking annoyed but accepting of my story.

 I’m totally sober, I think, so pleased. I could do the whole sobriety Road Test right now if he asks!

“Do you know why I pulled you over?” He asks, the hint of a smile gone now. I remind myself to stay calm. I breathe.

“I mean, I had to swerve to avoid that truck?” I ask.

“No, your headlight is out. And you need a light on your plate showing you have Registration. It’s a law in Tennessee.” Something clicks for me. It’s been so hard to see the roads out near Pottery! There aren’t streetlights there.

“Ohhh!” I say. “Okay!”

“Do you have your license?” He asks.

“Yes!” I say, and grab my wallet to get it out. It’s the first item in the wallet because I just used it to buy NA Heineken at Kroger. Thinking how smooth I’m going to look, I open the wallet and hand him the first card without even glancing at it, just to be quick.

“What’s this?” He asks, sounding annoyed. I’ve handed him my Gold American Express card. I melt with embarrassment, on the spot.

“Fuck,” I say, half laughing and half getting flustered, “Here.” I hand him my actual TN license. We exchange another sheepish glance – This traffic stop has been a horrible experience for us. We are not thrilled about it.

“I’ll be right back,” He says. And this part of being pulled over I do remember from previous times. I know now, I may get a ticket. I sit and wait.

And indeed, he comes back to the car with a ticket. He asks me to sign something saying I understand why he pulled me over. I do. I’m annoyed – it’s late and I’m Sad and Anxious and Hungry, so hungry – but I commit myself to Calm. I breathe. I interact with him. I tell him, Thank you for telling me about this light! I couldn’t see the road! And he looks confused – Gratitude is not a usual thing to get in this job.

He tells me that the fee can be waived almost entirely if I get it fixed before my Court Date. I try not to get Triggered by the phrase, Court Date. I say, Thank you, I’ll do that.

And he leaves. Well, he pulls into the other part of the parking lot, so he can make sure I get out okay. And this is when I backed my car into a tree.

Yep. Cannot make this stuff up. The car is all right, thank god. And he did not re-pull me over…because God knows he and I could NOT walk through that experience again (LOL SMH). But I have never been more embarrassed in my life. I pulled forward once I hit it, branches clanking against the back windshield…maneuvered my car out of the parking spot, and turned onto the road.

I cannot imagine what Young Cop was thinking as I drove away. Maybe something like, DEAR GOD PLEASE never let me cross paths with that Lady again. LOL.

Fin.